Friday, March 28, 2014

Miserably Fit

I have been having some fun with my older brothers who are older than me and well...greater in wisdom and in stature.

A couple years ago I prodded them into A Biggest Loser contest. One of them grew considerably lesser during the contest. I did okay.

After the long winter, I have padded up a bit and again suggested that they join me in a  Spring Slimming.

One of my brothers has wisely refused. I have not heard from the other but am not taking his silence as assent.

Here is the recent email response I sent to my brother who told me to Have Fun getting in shape.

Dear Older, Wiser and Greater in Stature brother,

I won't Have Fun. It will be miserable. I ran yesterday and my knees, which were just fine when I was fat and lazy, hurt. My elbows hurt. My achilles is questionable. I'm sure my hip is going and after I get up to 10 miles, it is sure to require surgery. I have a new pain that shows up at two miles, in the top of my foot. I have to grimace and run limping for about a half mile until it feels tolerable again. That is a long warm up but after I get through all that misery, I start to feel good for about three minutes, until my old ITB starts to kick in and reminds me that being in decent shape is one of the most miserable parts of being human. I loathe it, all. I don't think I would ever be tempted to go Roman Catholic, not even a little bit. But all this self inflicted misery does make me strongly consider the possibility of reincarnation. I think I was an ascetic monk in centuries past, was reincarnated as a protestant evangelical but obviously had not done enough self flagellation at the monastery. Who needs a whip and a wool shirt? Just go to the gym!

No comments: