As many of you know, I had a massive heart attack on September 21, 2018, suffered cardiac arrest, no heart beats, no breathing, and was saved by my neighbor who rushed into my house to do heart compressions, and the EMTs who showed up to shock my heart back into beating.
It is a bit odd having a 'back from the dead' experience. Many people have asked me if I had an out of body experience or saw Jesus. I did not. I went down on that Friday afternoon, was rushed to the hospital, sent straight to the Cath Lab, had a stent put in my heart and was put into an induced hypothermic coma. I was silent on Saturday and rose from that coma of death on Sunday morning. I know, it all sounds contrived, but it is all true. I don't remember the few minutes before my heart attack on Friday up to about Sunday evening. It was just the darkness.
I've actually had a bit of a tough time dealing with the reality of what happened to me. That's normal I hear. I am thankful for my wife, children, grandchildren, family, church and friends that I did not die, or stay dead. But I have been a bit indifferent about that myself. Part of the indifference is wondering exactly why the Lord saved me? There is no way for me to know that in the details and I will just have to wait and see what He does with me. I find myself wanting to 'make it count.' But I also find myself feeling wholly incapable of making it count.
Part of the reason I have not been able to find much joy in my salvation, thus far, is that I feel like I really don't deserve it. I have other friends who have recently lost loved ones and they seem much more worthy than I to have survived. This is a bit of survivors guilt, no doubt, but it is also bad theology. Or shall I say bad 'applied' theology. My theology is fine but sometimes getting it from the Bible into my head (or yours) takes a great deal of work. Or maybe, not work, just resting in the truth of the thing, just faith.
I have finally realized that I can really rejoice in my salvation and give Jesus all the glory for saving me, and actually be excited about it, if I come to better terms with the fact that I really don't deserve it. That does not make the situation worse. It makes it better. I don't deserve what the Lord has done for me, and that is what makes it all grace. That is what makes it really redound to the glory of Jesus. Furthermore, I can be thankful that He loves me, that out of His own good pleasure and sovereign will He chose to bestow life on me who was dead. Is this not a reason to glory in Him? Is this not a reason to rejoice in God, my Savior?
I've felt the pressure to be somebody, to do something, to make my life after death count. But that is not the point, at all. I will be whatever the Lord makes of me. I trust that if I faithfully follow Him, that something will be good, whatever it is. But the really great person in all of this is Jesus. He is the One who bestows life as He sees fit. He is the One who takes life and gives it. And if He has chosen to grant me life, and even life after death, then I really only have one thing to do. Give God the glory.
Thank You, Lord, for sparing me from death. Thank You on behalf of my wife, children, family, friends, church, CREC, and anyone else who I may have the opportunity to point to Jesus. Thank You from my own heart, my damaged, broken, dying, dead and restored heart. I am grateful for Your kindness to me, Your love for me, shown in this special and miraculous work of saving me. I am honored that You chose to strike me down on a Friday and raise me up on a Sunday. I feel almost ashamed that You should bestow this honor on me, to have me walk so obviously in the path of my Lord Jesus. But I am reminded that all who are in Christ Jesus have also died with Him on Friday and have been raised to new life in Him on Sunday. So, I am highly honored, Father, to proclaim this truth and I thank You for teaching it to me in such a profound way. May this all bring glory to You, to Your Son, Jesus, and to Your Holy Spirit. Amen.
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