Joyful Home
Raising Children with Godly Wisdom
Virgil Hurt
Introduction
Many parents today have their hands
thrown up in the air or they are pulling out their hair or they are pulling out
the hair of their young charges. They seem completely in the dark when it
comes to raising children to be cheerful and well disciplined. The
frustration level seems to be increasing around us and there are few answers,
even from the Church. While I like to think that the situation is
somewhat better in Christian Churches and Christian homes, it is amazing to me
how little Christian parents know about raising children to be godly, obedient,
respectful and cheerful. There was a time, not very long ago, when this
was the cultural expectation for all children.
We often see exasperated parents
and exasperated children. This state of affairs is now so common that it is
seen as the norm. Many of us witness children with out of control
behavior in public. We may feel sorry for the exasperated mother. Instead, we should lay the blame where it is
due, on the said mother and her abdicating husband. Our feelings should run in
sympathy towards the child but out of control child behavior often causes us to
despise the children, instead. Even the
parents of such children end up not liking them very much even though they know
that they have to say that they love him a great deal.
If you are the mother or father of
an out of control child, or find yourself regularly exasperated as a parent, my
purpose is not to make you feel bad. On the contrary, my purpose is to
give you hope and to point you towards the Biblical answers that can begin to
change your situation. God has great promises
in store for you and your children. In order to see them, you must begin
to lay some foundational principles that will give you that hope. The Church,
your church, should be helping you along this path.
If you are doing fairly well as a
parent and your children are decently behaved, then I hope I can still be of
some assistance. Outward conformity is a good start but the goal of godly
parenting is that your children love the God, the people and the things that
you love. Discipline begins as external discipline but unless it is
internalized and the children own it for themselves, then we have not fully
discharged our duties as parents.
One of the central responsibilities
of the church and her ministers is to hold out the promises of Jesus Christ to
you and to your children. Because many pastors, elders and deacons have not
believed these promises themselves and have lost their own children to the
world, the flesh and the devil, they are no longer in a position to declare
these promises to their congregations. But despite the failures of
Christian leadership, God’s promises are to you and
to your children.
The
Lord desires that our children grow up in the nurture and admonition of the
Lord and that they lovingly and cheerfully embrace the kindness of God in Jesus
Christ. But in order for this to happen in the normal way, we parents must believe God. We
must believe in such a way that it affects the way that we live and move and
have our being in Jesus Christ. Our belief must produce godly
fruit. Here is the great part; all true belief does
produce godly fruit.
This book
is a book about Christian discipline. Of course, it is a book on raising godly
children and so it includes the discipline of those children. However, before
you can even think about disciplining your children, you have to discipline
yourself. No good work is possible without discipline. Discipline is a
necessary aspect of all Christian growth. Discipline is for all disciples of
Jesus Christ.
The
question is not whether we will apply discipline, but rather, which discipline
will we apply? Will we do the things God calls us to do, will we be His
disciples, or will we choose to do things our own way, or worse yet, the
world’s way?
God’s ways
are not easy, particularly as we live in a world that is increasingly hostile
to Biblical practices. The good news is that God’s ways, while not easy, are
relatively simple. They can be taught, learned and practiced. Furthermore, when
we commit to living according to His standard, we begin to see the tremendous
benefits both to us and to our children.
Chapter 1- The Need
for Discipline
In Steven Covey’s famous book,
The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, habit number two is Begin with the
End in Mind. That is wise advice. As we think about raising godly children,
what end are we aiming at?
I want us
to look at the ultimate end and then walk back to the beginning. Ultimately, we
want to raise children that love the Lord Jesus Christ with their whole heart,
soul, mind and strength and that love their neighbor as themselves. This is all
the law and the prophets.
We want to
produce a Christian adult who is personally self-disciplined and exudes the joy
of the Lord. It makes sense that if that is the goal to which we are aiming at
the end, then the steps along the way should be conspiring to that end. But we
always want to keep in mind that our ultimate goal is not some measure of
worldly success, it is real joy in the presence of the Lord.
If that is
what we desire for our adult children, we should hope for and expect the same
thing for our teenagers, our pre-teens, our young children, and even our
toddlers. We want them to express the joy of the Lord at every stage of their
lives. But is this possible? I believe it is and have seen the goodness of this
reality in my own and many other children.
There are
three key aspects of realizing this goal. First, you need some sense of what is
possible. Can my children really be expected to cheerfully obey me? At what
ages? Can we honestly expect them to love the Lord and honor their parents from
infancy to adulthood?
Secondly, you need the knowledge to
help get you to your goal. What does the Bible teach about establishing a
Christian home? What does the Bible teach about marriage? What does the Bible
teach about raising godly children? Can I learn the basic concepts? What
examples of good marriages and good parenting are available to me? What other
resources do I need to raise faithful children?
Thirdly, you need consistent
application of knowledge. Will I follow through on my duties as a husband or a
wife? Will I commit to being faithful in my role as a parent? Am I willing to
consistently do those things that are necessary to raise my children in the
nurture and admonition of the Lord?
You can see by the questions I ask
that I believe it is possible to expect your children to be obedient in the Lord
from a very early age all the way through adulthood. The primary way to arrive
at this goal is faith in Jesus Christ, a strong marriage, and a willingness to
consistently do the hard work of parenting.
Although the principles and methods
that I describe in this book will work for non-Christians, they are for God’s
people. An unbeliever is prone to follow too much the desires of his own heart
rather than follow the divinely revealed authority of God’s Word. Even a
committed Christian has a difficult time being faithful in the little things.
By the little things, I mean, not disciplining in anger and maintaining regular
fellowship through confession and forgiveness of sins with one’s spouse and
children. This daily personal discipline is paramount in maintaining a godly
marriage and establishing peaceful discipline in the home. It takes hard work.
It is necessary that God’s Holy Spirit enables and empowers married couples and
parents to this work. Without the power of the Holy Spirit, it is presumptuous
to expect a godly outcome in marriage and child rearing. But with the power of
His Spirit, we should fully expect our children to grow up knowing and loving
the Lord and honoring and obeying their parents.
It is my intent to walk through
some very practical teaching on both marriage and on child training. Many
modern Christians simply never get this teaching in their church. Thus, many
parents are starved for help on how to raise their kids. I think I can help.
But I want you to be patient. Of course, in order to raise your own children,
you have to know what to do. But the real key, is not so much “what to do” But
“who is doing it.” Before you start disciplining your children, you have to
discipline yourself. Fail to get this first thing first and you run the risk of
not reaching your goal of raising adult children who know and love Jesus.
Here is a scary truth, your
children will do what you do more than what you say. They observe more than
they hear. They are pretty much going to reflect your character as they grow
into adulthood. Oh no! Oh, yes. And
the sooner you get about to producing faithful godly character in your own
life, the easier the job of producing faithful godly character in your
children. In fact, if you are faithful, especially in the little things, you
can have high expectations of God’s blessing on your work as a parent.
When I say this book is for
Christians, exactly whom am I talking about? Let’s start the discipline process
with same basic expectations of Christians.
The Authoritative Word- A Christian is one who believes that the
Bible is the only ultimate and absolute authority. Of course, there are other
authorities, parents, teachers, and pastors, to name a few. But a Christian
understands that the Word of God gets to trump all comers. He is willing to
submit to the clear teaching of Scripture, NO MATTER WHAT IT SAYS.
Sorry about the ALL CAPS but we
live in an age in which even Christians tend to pick and choose what parts of
the Bible are for them. This must not be so. If the Bible is the Word of God,
and it is, then all of the Bible is for all of God’s people. Furthermore, the
secular culture is making more and more claims that bind the conscience. They
claim scientific precision even in basic parenting skills like disciplining
children. These claims are made strongly in both Christian and non-Christian
literature regarding how to discipline and what to discipline. At public
schools, in medicine and even at the Christian counseling center, they are
competing with the authority of Scripture. But Christians must weigh all of
these other authorities against the authority of Scripture in order to know
what God expects of them.
Frankly, the trend is to discipline
less and less and to simply encourage the children to whatever behavior their
desires naturally lead them. The problem with this view is that we are fallen creatures,
our desires are broken and naturally lead us into various sinful behaviors.
Thus, we must affirm God’s Word against a culture that is systematically
growing hostile to truth.
Church Attendance Weekly- A
Christian is someone who attends church every week for the rest of his life. Some
Christians make a very weak effort at attending church. They go occasionally
and any excuse will do to skip. “I stayed up too late last night. I got a
sniffle. The pre-game show starts before church lets out. I need a rest. My kid
has a soccer game.” Well, the Bible teaches that the Lord’s Day and Lord’s Day
Worship is our rest. Furthermore, God made this up. He made the world in six
days and rested on the seventh. That is the pattern. In the New Testament, the
pattern changed slightly. The saints began to meet on the first day of the
week, the Lord’s Day. The Bible tells us not to neglect meeting together. (Heb.
10:25).
Weekly church attendance teaches
both you and your children a great discipline. It is both discipline and
consistency. Furthermore, we do not do this simply because we must do so to
obey God. That certainly is a good reason. But there is more. God’s
requirements come with blessings. God requires this of us because we need it.
We need to regularly gather with the saints for exhortation, for encouragement,
for confession, for forgiveness, for fellowship, for teaching, for communion.
The Lord gave us a pattern of regular covenant renewal. To fail to see this is
to miss one of the central graces in raising godly children.
If you do not attend church
regularly and any excuse will do for you to skip church, do not be surprised to
see your children grow up with a very compromised commitment to Jesus. Many
modern Christians humor themselves that church is unnecessary and they can
pursue a robust spiritual relationship with Jesus on their own apart from the
formal gathering of the saints. Your own children are likely to react to sparse
church attendance much differently. They will see that their father and mother
have a weak commitment to church and are likely to make the connection that
mother an father also have a weak commitment to Jesus. If they are astute
observers, and most children are, they will also likely see that father and
mother are not really fully committed to the authority of the Bible.
As they grow up, they will desire
to be more consistent than you. They will either exhort you to be at church all
the time in order to shore up your commitment to Jesus, or they will simply
drift away from the faith applying what they perceive to be the weak commitment
of their parents. Of course, they may also simply grow up with a weak
commitment to Christ’s Church like their parents, content with half measures.
If you are an occasional church
attender that last option might not disappoint you too much. My kids will go to
church occasionally, just like I do. But I can tell you from many years of
pastoral experience that occasional church attenders are notoriously weak in
their faith in Christ. Furthermore, they are the ones that almost always have
some serious family breakdown. There is a direct connection and the sooner you
see it and correct it, the more likely you are to grow in your own faith and to
raise children who have a steady faithful walk in Jesus.
Tithe- Christians give ten percent of their increase to the Lord.
Generally, this amount is given to their local church. The tithe was
established by God and was not withdrawn in the New Testament. Some Christians
argue that the ten percent tithe is no longer applicable in the New Covenant
era. While I think the argument is erroneous, I do not mind when Christians put
forth this view. Since we live in age of greater promises with higher
expectations both for the blessing of Christians and for the behavior of
Christians, we should expect that those who do not believe in the principle of
a ten percent tithe, would gladly give MORE than ten percent! Ten percent is
the minimum the Bible expects you to give.
Why is this a mark of a Christian?
First, God established the tithe. The Bible teaches it and it is therefore a
duty. Second, it is a tremendous discipline. When we tithe, we are forced to
live below our means. We make one hundred percent and live on ninety percent.
This is a tremendous lesson. Third, when we tithe, we acknowledge that all of
our blessing is a gift from God. He gives us one hundred percent of our money.
It all belongs to Him. A tithe is a token acknowledgment that we belong to the
Lord and that He blesses us as He sees fit.
A failure to tithe reveals a lack
of faith in God’s provision. Many Christians claim that they will tithe once
they have enough money to pay all of their bills. The problem is that as their
income rises, so do their bills and they never end up tithing.
Again, from pastoral experience, I
have seen it as almost universally true, that those families that do not tithe
have a great deal of trouble. There is trouble in their marriage. There is
trouble with their children and there is always trouble in their finances.
Sure, faithful tithing families can see all of these troubles. Tithing is not a
way out of trouble but in my experience, non-tithers a have much higher
incidence of various sins bubbling under the surface in their marriage, in
their children, in their finances, and in their work and family relationships.
It seems that tithing is a great discipline that dramatically disciplines many
other areas of life.
What can you do now if your bills
are out of control and there is no way for you tithe without paying your bills?
I suggest you purchase Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover. Start working off some
debt. Get a second job, if necessary, until you can reduce your standard of
living. Start giving something to your church right away, say one percent of
your income. Ask the Lord to bless your giving and work towards giving a full
ten percent sometime in the next year or so.
If there is any possible way to
give a full ten percent of your increase, I want to encourage you that is the
quickest way out of your financial trouble. The Lord will bless your giving and
will make provision for you in ways that you never anticipated. The beauty of the
tithe is that it puts you in a position to have to trust God. He is faithful.
Consistent behavior in the home- Your children will do what you do.
They learn as much by observation as they do by words, perhaps more so.
Hypocrisy at home will undermine your good intentions towards raising godly
children. Sometimes the hypocrisy is severe and obvious to all. The father is
out of control with anger, or is a demanding tyrant to his wife and children. A
wife is belligerent and disrespectful to her husband or angry and overly
controlling towards her children. When there is anger, tension and an overall
lack of humility in the home, the children are learning the lesson well. Don’t
be surprised when they act just like you do.
The deep things of God happen to be
the simple things: daily confession towards God and your family members,
regular forgiveness to all that have offended you, starting and ending your
days well with peace in the home. If you do these basic Christian disciplines,
you can expect peace in your home and an abundant harvest in your children. If
you fail to do them, no amount of church going is likely to make up for the
shortfall of godliness.
